My head hurts and my lungs hurt and I’m tired and I want to take Niquil. That may seem like an odd way to start back at a blog I seemed to abandon millennia ago. Every other time I have tried to write though, it came out pretty angry. I don’t mean angry like just a little snarky. I mean my mom would blush and then call to give me a talking to. It’s not that I’m not still angry. It’s just that I’m too tired to care tonight and whiny is probably less upsetting to the people that I probably shouldn’t care about any more anyway than a rant would be.
So here’s the thing, I’m sick. I have been for a few days. I want nothing more than to take some Niquil and sleep. I can’t do that though. I have a special needs kid. At every moment, I have to be alert enough to hear that terrifying scream that says a seizure has started. There’s a monster under my little girl’s bed waiting to destroy her little brain. No matter how calm things are, I’m not allowed to breathe because we could lose every gain she’s made in therapy if she goes status epilepticus and I don’t get her to the hospital in time. Don’t even get me started on living in the shadow of SUDEP.
So that’s my life. I can’t breathe or relax or sleep. I can’t take Niquil when I’m sick. This isn’t the asterisk that I wanted.